Blockchain Conferences have Cured Depression

In 2k13, after a monumental run to US$1,200, Bitcoin took a bit of a dive off the face of the planet, which did not sit well with many- primarily those who sold cars, houses, took out loans, sold kidneys, etc for some sweet, sweet BTC. Suicide hotlines were posted, but ultimately, lives were lost. Euphoria was replaced with depression. Times have changed. How?

Before we get into the role of conferences in the crypto space, we need to understand the context of the community in this day and age. To do this, we must first start from the beginning.

October 31, 2008: Bitcoin whitepaper is released. Cypherpunks, anarchists, and other extremists mull over the information. Nobody else gives a flying fuck.

January 3, 2009: Satoshi Nakamoto (who, for the record, is a woman), initiates the Bitcoin network with the forging of the Genesis block. Our crazy radical friends rejoice. Again, nobody else cares.

2010-2011: The early crypto community begins to expand to incorporate neck beards that have spent way too much of their free time browsing obscure websites and digesting hentai. As is the case in other places, these nerds are generally not respected by their anarchist counterparts, but that’s okay.

2012-2013: The word of Bitcoin is spread to niche communities. Degenerates finally have their online poker back. Junkies can buy drugs without putting on a pair of pants. Malicious merchants have a beautiful, new outlet for scamming morons. The space is coming together quite nicely.

The dark days: Late early adopters and crazies among the crazies go all in when Bitcoin explodes to quadruple digits. Weeks later, they are ruined. The general sentiment in the space has achieved all-time lows and suicide watch is on high alert. A startling truth is revealed: a community of radicals, crazies, and nerds suffers from hivemind depression. The crypto space as a whole is actually the first diagnosis of depression at a “community” level.

2017: Everyone that survived the dark days is suddenly rich. Loans are finally repaid and new houses in obscure Caribbean islands are purchased. Those who jumped ship in the dark days are undoubtedly even worse off mentally than they were before, but nobody cares about quitters and non-believers.


Money doesn’t buy happiness (duh). Even with all those riches, our new class of crypto millionaires are still sad and despondent. They quit their jobs and now have little purpose in life beyond staring at charts all day and posting memes on Twitter. The dark days have not yet truly left. The extremists-turned-millionaire-bank-supporters are still sadbois. Whatever shall they do?


It turns out that all these nerds actually enjoy hanging out with one another. It took a decade to figure this out but cryptocurrency conferences have eschewed in the glory days for everyone that didn’t ruin their life by purchasing Ripple in January or, Satoshi forbid, BitconNEEEEEECT. Now everyone has the opportunity to “learn” and “network” in Las Vegas, Miami, on a cruise, Dubai, and probably in space eventually. If you haven’t noticed, we’ve hardly have any front page Reddit posts with the Suicide Hotline numbers even though the whole market has lost like? 80%? of total value. The reasoning is clear: if you attend a conference your depression is cured.

And what a phenomenal opportunity it is! Just $1,499 for an entire weekend filled with booze, like-minded individual, scam ICO pitches, and lots of infighting. It’s kind of like college but without all the time wasted in the classroom. And it gets better- for just $5,999 more you can be a VIP and have a steak dinner with the speakers and the conference coordinators. This is very important as it is common knowledge that the most successful members of the space only eat steak. It’s a sign of competence.

Elon Musk needs to make his way out to a conference soon…