Heated Argument Banishes Uncle Stu to Kids Table

Thanksgiving at the Jones’ was typically a calm outing. The close-knit family has enough respect for one another to withhold from much talk about politics or religion, and Grandma Betty’s famous green bean casserole does wonders in bringing people closer together. However, this year was bound to prove difficult for the usually laid-back Jones family.

It’s no secret that Uncle Stu, who has always been a little off his rockers, has been betting big on Bitcoin for quite some time. Last Thanksgiving, he was finally able to convince the family to dip some money in. Last year’s holidays were great. Everyone was able to put a little more money aside towards gifts, get ahead on bills, and generally worry about everyday expenses a little bit less thanks to the great advice of Stu to invest in crypto.

Or was it great advice? After Christmas, much of the family hadn’t heard much from Uncle Stu. On New Year’s he showed off his new Lamborghini he was able to afford with his Bitcoin riches, and everyone was so happy for him. Much of the family decided to up their investment, too, so they could enjoy some of the niceties Stu had been allotted through his investment. But then the honeymoon phase wore off.

Stu ended up “busy” at the next few family occasions. He was caught up with work on Easter and on vacation for Cousin Cynthia’s high school graduation. The Jones were speculating on if he’d even make an appearance.

Sure enough, Uncle Stu enters the home about a half hour before mealtime. He is met at the door by a steaming Cynthia.

“Hey Cyn! What’s going on? how is college treating ya?”

Cynthia returned with a swift kick to Stu’s nads. “I HAD TO ENROLL IN COMMUNITY COLLEGE BECAUSE OF YOU, ASSHOLE,” she fired back.

After a deep breath, Stu maintained his composure and approached the living room with a slight smile.

“Hey everyone!”

Nobody responds.

Stu stakes his claim at an arm chair in the corner and pulls out his phone. The rest of the room is ignoring him.


Grace is said, and everyone grabs their plate. Stu recognizes his unwelcome, and waits towards the back of the line to dish out his meal. He loads up on the turkey and mashed potatoes, and butters up a couple of rolls for the side. He reaches for the spoon to dish out some famous green bean casserole when an arm reaches out and grabs him. Appearing from his left, Uncle Hal shakes his head and utters, “Not this year. Not for you”.

Stu grabs his drink and sits down at the table. Sitting to his right, Aunt Jennie immediately questions him. “What’s going on, Stu? You said we’d never fall below ten thousand. It’s, like, what, six thousand, now? This is ridiculous.”

“Four thousand,” Stu responds.

“FOUR THOUSAND! We can’t keep doing this. Charles took out a second loan on the mortgage. We’re falling behind on our utilities. What the fuck, Stu?”

“You need to be patient, institutions have been suppressing the price to buy in before Bakkt launches in January. We’ll hit the moon again and twenty thousand will look like peanuts.”

“Stu,” interjects Hal, “We put Cyn’s college fund into this shit. What were you thinking? Do you know how much this has affected us?”

“You think it only effects you? I’ve lost o-”

“BULLSHIT! Explain your car out front. You fucked us all and took our money.”

“No, I took profits in December. I told you all to do the same but you all just wanted to buy more.”

A crash rattles the table. Grandpa Joe, fork and knife pounded to the table, stands up. “Stu, shut the fuck up. You have no right to come into MY HOME after what you’ve done to MY FAMILY and act like this.”

“Excuse me? I’m acting poorly? You guys are being terrible. I wasn’t even allowed to get any green bean casserole.”

Grandpa Joe responds, “Stu, Betty didn’t want you to have any of it since you ruin everything you touch. I don’t blame her. In fact, I don’t want you here, either. Get the fuck up and sit at the kid’s table where you belong.”

Stu collected his utensils and relocated to the plastic table in the corner of the room. Bobby and Ronnie were playing with action figures while Lisa and Annie talked about American Girl Doll. Cynthia stared daggers into Stu the entire meal.

At time of writing, Stu has not been invited back for Christmas Eve.

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