Charles Hoskinson Abducted by Aliens

Charles Hoskinson has reportedly been abducted by aliens. In typical Charles “Do you know who you’re talking to” Hoskinson fashion, ol’ Charlie went ahead and one-upped his Chinese charlatan counterpart Justin Sun who was detained by Chinese police for illegal kidney stones.

Elon Musk just Tweeted about a sick convo he had with some alien folk through SpaceX satellites. Apparently they had the audacity to kidnap Hoskinson AND brag about it afterwards. Though the translation is choppy, the transcript suggests that aliens cited a fear of humans becoming “too powerful” after Hoskinson created the Cardano blockchain that runs on esteemed programming language Haskell.

Cardano has been the subject to many Tweets and memes in its existence criticizing its role as “the most science-y blockchain”. Haskell, as unnamed trolls and university professors alike agree, is only used to solve Sudoku Puzzles and Rubik’s Cubes. They reference the literally zero companies in first world countries that use Haskell and how they all got a C+ on their Intro to Haskell course because it’s “just not a worthwhile language”.

Chief Scientist for Cardano and totally unbiased expert Professor Aggelos Kiayias explained his opinions on the abduction.

“Everyone in science knows that science needs a science blockchain. Haskell is the language of science and Cardano is the science behind the science. What are aliens best at? Science. They are threatened by the science capabilities of Cardano as the most science blockchain the world has ever seen.”

Therefore, Hoskinson was taken away by alien spies in order to prevent humans from dominating the galaxy through Cardano’s scientific prowess. Anonymous sources suggest that Charles just “up and disappeared” while trying to on-board IEO investors for Steemit 3 at Joe’s Corner Bar.

Unfortunately, no more information has been collected from alien diplomats. Musk allegedly sent out a message in response asking if the aliens were “trying to smoke some ganja”, to which he is still awaiting reply.

When asked whether NASA could confirm the incoming alien signals, their representative simply responded, “The moon landing was real. Seriously, I promise.”

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